even if you're the most avid anti-gun person, you would still have to admit that shooting a gun is pretty fun. for some reason, seeing a bullet go into a target or person or animal or can at any distance brings us a certain amount of joy. there's a recoil, a little puff of smoke - it's nice. but on the other side, no matter how much you love guns - you'd probably think twice if you could look down at humanity as a whole and ask yourself, "should all of them be allowed to own a thing that propels a piece of metal right through another person's body?" even if you own several gun racks and lack room for a pro-gun bumper sticker on your vehicle because of all the other pro-gun bumper stickers already on it - you would still pause for a moment. if you were in charge, would you let people have guns? they can't even be trusted with spray paint. they'll huff it until they pass out, or they'll spray it onto buildings and such. they walk along looking down at their phones and step off the curb just in time to see a bus coming ...repeatedly. "but the second amendment!" right. it is a sweet amendment, but it was written when they had muskets. not a real threat of drive-by's and school shootings when you have to hand make each bullet. now we have guns that shoot hundreds of bullets per second. "guns don't kill people. people kill people" true, but that should be edited a bit to "people kill people ...on accident ...a lot" and with the way this population is getting out of hand, maybe everyone should have guns. in a mandatory way. the murder rate might not go up, but the manslaughter rate definitely would.

people always site the bill of rights as the greatest document in american history. it's pretty great. you get a lot of rights when you're in trouble. the freedom of speech allows you to say nearly anything you want in public, and on the off chance you are lenny bruced and sent to jail, your bail can't be set too high, you get a fair and speedy trial, and you have the option to just keep quiet ...which would be odd for someone who went to jail for talking. the third amendment keeps the government from storing troops in your house against your will. that was the third most pressing concern when they wrote the bill of rights. "i'm sick of soldiers living with me!" "don't worry. we'll handle it." that doesn't concern us too much now, but it would suck. "this is PFC dutrow. he's going to be living with you for a while." "what?! as you can see - this is a studio apartment. what about my cats?" "thanks for serving your country." part of the first amendment allows freedom of the press, which if they would have had the foresight to see how that turned out, they may have revised a bit. when it's just someone dipping a feather into some ink and scribbling onto parchment, they might be more concerned with writing only the facts. without TV, there weren't a lot of celebrities, so they probably didn't have to worry about people camping outside their houses or writing that they were gay just for the hell of it. no one was popping out of trash cans with cameras "gotcha, george washington!" "damnit! i'm wearing my fake teeth and this stupid wig, and they still found me!" ...yep.

what a wonderful invention the high heel was. a way to lift the heel from the ground and in the process accentuate the calves and backyard of any gal who happens to slip them on. it seems simple enough on paper, but sadly just wearing them doesn't in any way guarantee that you will look more attractive. a lot of women wear high heels, and you can tell that they feel pretty psyched about that. they stagger past you like a drunk cowboy with a look of condescension that seems to say, "i'm three inches out of your league now, buddy" but what they don't realize is that just managing to remain upright on shoes in no way makes you sexier. there's a certain coordination and saunter that goes with wearing heels. that is a crucial element. if you are tilted forward like you're staring over the edge of a high building, or if each step you take only moves your foot forward six or seven inches, that's not too hot. you've got to look like you've walked in them before. you can't look like a cloven-hooved beast walking on ice. a clown on stilts doesn't look like a dude on stilts. he looks like a weirdo with long legs. because he's practiced. he doesn't just say, "tonight i'm wearing stilts". he wore them around his house (or wherever clowns live) until he got the hang of them. that seems like a good idea if you want a guy to ask to buy you a drink instead of asking if you need to use the bathroom.

they're coming for you mars. they're watching you as we speak. they're building vessels to come pay you a visit, and they'll make it. they'll land on you. it may feel ticklish at first, and they may even seem friendly. but if you have any water on you - i would hide it. if they see that, they'll be digging into you before you know it. they'll slice into you, burrow down into your skin. they'll erect giant structures on you. they'll fill them with more of themselves, and they'll play their music music loudly. i recommend fighting back. if you have any fault lines, tell them to start shaking hands. have the clouds learn how to spin. you're going to have to pull out all the stops because they will survive just about anything. even if you squash them out, if you think you've gotten them all - you will be wrong. if there are even two of them left, they will soon turn right back into millions and be at it all over again. i've been fighting these jerks for centuries, and i'm afraid i'm losing. i've called in meteors, i'm trying to organize an ice age. i don't think it will work. so, if i decide to do the unthinkable and stop spinning - i hope you'll understand. i've fought the good fight, and i'm tired. so tired. it's been nice being neighbors with you, and i'm sorry if our proximity leads to them spreading onto you. i'd say run, but as we are slaves to the sun, that's not possible. so again, hide you water and good luck.


sincerely,
earth