yep, the title of this insert is the hackiest two words that ever were lobbed into the comedy world. i've always avoided any sort of humoring chuckle or even polite smile when someone attempted to make a joke that involved that title anywhere in it. just an immediate frown, scorning, piercing - the likes of which ...well, really i did nothing. but it's just a terrible joke to make. they titled the movie purposely to take away all of its power. like when someone is going around the group insulting everyone, and then they get to the asthmatic fat kid with dandruff and bloody gums and say, "too easy". what they're really saying is, "it's actually hard to think of something because it's already obvious to everyone." anyway, i was having a conversation with a guy. i was sitting in a chair next to an open door to my left. i couldn't see who was to my left as people kept popping in the room at weird intervals, but i don't think i would have answered differently if i had. we were talking about cowboy stuff, and the dude said, "oh yeah, like that movie." and i said "brokeback mountain? yeah, it was kind of like that except without the gay sex." (which was true) and then he said, "did you like the movie?" and i said, "yeah, until they started sexin each other. it was really pretty and..." and then i looked at his face, and he was looking to the other side of the door where a gay dude had popped in and said, "i guess i came in at the wrong time." like i was some bigot or something. just because i didn't like the setup to the movie, that makes me a scathing homophobe? i saw the movie. that in some sense, should give me a little credit in that regard. and as just a general movie watcher, it was a ludicrous love story - gay or straight. they go from barely saying hello to having violent tent sex? "they lived in a world where their love couldn't be accepted" yeah, they already did that. it's just romeo and juliet with a lame gay twist. the gay dude who was perturbed by my review hadn't even seen the movie. as a member of the gay community, he felt he couldn't support it. probably for the same reasons that i didn't like it. so everyone can agree that no one should ever talk about it. ever.

why are the mario brothers called "the mario brothers"? isn't mario the first name of one of them? what is their last name? why does luigi put up with that?

how soon after humans discovered fire was it until they discovered they were flamable?

am i the only one still saying 'freedom fries'?

what is the longest someone has been a grandmother? if you become a grandmother really young, chances are you've lived a tough life and you probably like smoke with your grandchildren. you're less likely to live as long as the grandma who just sits around and sews and emails pictures of kittens to people. there's got to be a sweet spot where the sewing type gets pregnant really young and lives a tremendously long time. or maybe the trailer trash skank reforms her life -- maybe through the power of sewing, and lives longer than any trailer skank ever has, marries a cool dude (your grandpa, who despite being made fun of for dating a twenty year old with a seven year old child (you) still marries her) and while living well into her nineties regales you with tales of how "i did a bit of whorin' when i was younger" all while knitting a kitten sweater. anyway, we should keep records of this sort of thing.

why do we still use the term 'widower'? it sounds like someone who kills people and leaves their wife a widow.

is there any difference between 'amiable' and 'amicable'? other than that stupid c wedged in there?

"my son, welcome." "wait. where am I?" "you're dead." "and you're god?" "yes." "really?" "yes" "really?!" "yes! I'm god." "but you're wearing the robes and everything. don't you think that's a little hacky?" "no. It's what i've always worn." "so, you're really a dude who lives on a cloud ...in robes ...with a long beard?" "you're looking at it." "why am I here?" "well, everyone gets to meet me before they go down to hell." "i'm going to hell?" "yeah. almost everyone does." "why?" "because you're an asshole." "why am i an asshole?" "you didn't believe in me." "but i was nice to people. doesn't that count?" "no. you had to be nice and believe in me." "but you made yourself seem pretty unlikely." "yeah, that's the ass-kicker. pretty wild, right?" "i guess. i mean it's just hard to believe you were sitting up here the whole time not doing anything ...you're real? this isn't a dream?" "totally not a dream. you're talking to god." "damnit. i feel like if this was a dream it would be a nightmare." "are you saying i'm ugly?" "no. no, i was just hoping if there was a god that there would be a better explanation for everything. not just a needy, vengeful dude who sits in the sky, swarms people with locusts, tells them to kill their kids..." "have you ever tasted power? it's amazing." "and you just let children die all the time?" "as long as they're praying to me while they're dying, they get to come hang out." "and what?" "eh, we play harps. the occasional flag football game. it's pretty sick." "are they fun? your followers - do you enjoy them?" "oh god no. they're the pits. but i can't change the rules now." "that almost makes this all seem ok. that you're stuck around babies and assholes all the time." "well, enjoy hell." "you too."

look at this dude. this is the guy that slapped another woman's child in an atlanta walmart. he walked up to her while the child was crying and said, "if you don't shut that kid up, then i will." then a couple minutes later, he did. i don't know why she didn't believe him. look at this guy. if ever there was a person born to slap children, this is the guy. i wonder if for a brief moment when he re-approached and kneeled down in front of the child, if the woman was kind of thinking, "well, maybe this guy knows some old fashioned tricks that i'm unaware of ...he is old." and then that brief glimmer of hope was crushed as a rapid succession of slaps to the face of her child happened right in front of her. after which he said, "see. i told you." that sounds horrible, but how loud was this child? i've been in public places filled with screeching kids where i couldn't wait for a mysterious stranger to show up and start slapping the place quiet. the slapper should be a folk-legend. if kids grew up with that sort of fear, maybe they would cry in public less. "sweety, i realize you want that candy, but if you keep screaming and crying - you know who's going to show up..."