the odds of running into a scrotum in public are fairly slim. the odds of seeing a child's scrotum are even more minuscule. i'm aware that it says "child's scrotum" on my website now, and i would gladly have shown a picture here if i would have had the good sense to document this monstrosity. airport bathrooms have these koala changing stations where you can lower this plastic table with seat-belts on it and get to work changing your kid ...in public. i don't know why they decided to get the koala involved, but if a koala spokesperson could see what's happening on these tables they would have some concerns. maybe if i had been prepared it wouldn't have been so disturbing. somehow i managed to walk into the bathroom, urinate, and zip up without noticing a naked infant strapped to a table in the corner as if ready for some sort of alien experiment. so as i turned, i was caught off guard by the whole scene, but mostly the adult-sized scrotum this child was carrying around. i turned, "whoa!!" then immediate turn away, and all i could think was that i wanted to turn back to see if i had really seen what i thought. it looked like his little penis was sitting on an elephant skin rug. this giant, flaccid sack just hanging around. maybe the only baby i've seen is the swimming guy on the nevermind cover, and he's in water -- but even still. is that normal? do babies sometimes have regular-sized scrotums just waiting for some balls to drop down into them? or was this kid just born with a senior citizen's issue of genitalia?

All of earth's elephants went to one side
the change in weight caused a shift in the tide
and the giant waves caused lots of wind
and faster and faster the planet began to spin

So all of the people flew out into space
and all of their brains exploded through their face
the brains sprinkled down near the elephants' feet
which made them hungry and they began to eat

The steady new diet made the elephants smart
and they derived equations and they created art
and soon they formed punk bands and soon they formed mobs
and soon they formed religions and soon they dropped bombs

But then the rain stopped to the elephants' surprise
they stood looking upward with their mouths open wide
and all of earth's rhinos marched off to one side.

it's a little odd that within the same month a girl who had been kidnapped eighteen years earlier re-emerged, and a woman in australia accidentally let her stroller with a child inside spill over the edge at a train station right as a train swept past and dragged the little fella a hundred feet down the tracks. i don't know which of those stories is more bizarre. that a girl could stay kidnapped for eighteen years, or that a baby can survive being run over by a train. nonetheless, it does pose an interesting question: would the kid in the stroller have been better off if he had been kidnapped by the same people who kidnapped the girl? of course not. the man fathered two kids with her. but that poses a second question: would you rather be molested or hit by a train? the kidnapped situation sounds worse, but she stayed for eighteen years. they found her out in public with the man. not tied up in the backyard, not running for help. just walking around with the father of her kids. "she was brainwashed" - even still, eighteen years is a long time. not just for the victim, but for kidnappers too. feeding an extra mouth for that long has got to take its toll. "it's been lovely having you here as a captive, sweetheart, but is there any way maybe you could kick in a little for rent? your kids are getting a pretty big as well. oh, you're never going to get a job? you're just going to live in the backyard forever? well, that's just perfect. i guess we kidnapped the laziest girl in the world. i didn't sign up for this."

the original christian slaves were slaves because they were christians. then 1500 years later slaves became christians. i understand black people rejecting their slave names and converting to the nation of islam, and i understand black people loving jesus. what i can't understand is how the first few slaves were converted into christians by the very people who were holding them captive and repeatedly whipping them. "okay, mumundi, you're a good slave and it ain't christian of me to keep this from you, you godless savage. you know how sometimes when i'm whipping you, my arm gives out and i grab it and yell 'jesus christ!'? well, that ain't just a thing to say. he was a man who lived on this earth. a god of a man born from a virgin, and he died for all our sins ...including yours. so, you can get together with your negro buddies and worship him, atone for you sins, and things of that nature. course if you build any churches, we'll burn 'em right to the ground then go back to our churches and apologize for it. see that's the cutie of the whole deal. i can whip you until my arm falls off, then just go to church once a week and atone for it. then hell, i'm right with the lord and can go right back to whipping for six days. i understand this is a lot to take in all at once. and with your lack of education, it's down right ridiculous for me to expect you to understand. but honestly, that's how we prefer it."