there is a dry cleaning place in my neighborhood that advertises that it's organic. cleaning clothes without liquid seems like witch craft to begin with, but if ever there was a time you wanted some chemicals at work for you - it would be when you're getting your clothes cleaned by magic. is organic just another buzz word that people like to use to sound smart and bring you around to their way of thinking? triglycerides, trans fat, anti-oxidants, toxins, omega 3 fatty acids... "what does that mean?" "it means i heard a smart person say that word, and i want to sound smart ...they did studies." they also did studies in the 60's that determined heroine was good for you. organic sounds good. it makes you think of a simple, grass roots family rolling up their sleeves and individually plucking, pruning and harvesting each morsel that makes its way to your plate. but you don't know where that food came from. it just says organic on the package. it's mass produced. you didn't see the farm that it came from. the government regulates which seeds are sold and planted, so who knows what is in anything? we don't need scarecrows anymore because birds won't even eat whatever they put in our crops. that seems weird, but we're also making strides in the medical field. our food may strike you impotent and plug up all your arteries, but modern medicine will put a baboon heart inside you to pump blood to your new baboon penis. why are we going forward so quickly with medicine and technology, and wanting to revert back to primitive ways of eating? ben and jerry's makes an ice cream called chocolate fudge brownie. it's a baked good within a dairy product. that's one of the greatest things humans have ever done. why would you speak ill of preservatives when they can do something so fantastic? people used to eat organic foods, and the average life expectancy was about 45. let's celebrate our innovation ...with a giant bowl of chemicals.

as far as carnivores go, humans are pretty polite. granted, we kill rhinos just to cut off their horns - and we kill tigers just for sport, but we're resourceful about it. we also make tigers into sexy rugs. we tend to waste less than other carnivores. a pack of lions might kill an elephant and just eat its meat. chew off the trunk while it's still alive, and then just leave. that is unpleasant. they don't even have the decency to fashion a trash can out of the foot, or make some piano keys from the ivory. we celebrate the indians for using every part of the buffalo and vilify ourselves for having slaughterhouses. they seem better than chasing the animals around shooting pointy arrows into their hide until they collapse from exhaustion and bleed to death. having a pack of lions cling to you with sharp claws as they desperately gnaw at your flesh with their razor-like teeth might be natural, but it sounds incredibly annoying. slaughterhouses are a lot nicer than nature. laying around with your pals being fed twice a day then marching single file right into a sweet lobotomy. you don't see or feel death, and sadly you don't get to see how resourceful they were with the rest of you. they put your horns on the front of their car, your tail into stew, your guts into hot dogs, and they give your ears and feet to their dogs for chew toys. and they write 'all natural' on the package. you're welcome.

imagine your body is infiltrated by rodents. these rodents are savvy, and they know if your body feels different that you'll go to the doctor, they'll be exposed, and their stay will be over. so, they work as a team to perform all of the functions in your body. they process your food, send messages along your nerves, and pump your blood through your veins like an old fashioned water spout. it wouldn't be until you severely severed a limb that you noticed the furry little creatures making your body work. how do you know this isn't happening? how can you be sure? maybe it's bugs. roach sized, or ant sized, or gnat sized, or much much smaller. how can you be sure that your organs aren't made entirely of microscopic bugs all working together assembly line style passing buckets like people trying to put out a fire in the old west? you can't be sure. if you look down on earth from space, it's doubtful that you would imagine millions of filthy two-legged creatures roaming over most of it. the same way that when you look down at a rash on your skin, you don't see a little microscopic civilization trying their best to make ends meet, or mini park rangers guiding packs of children around and showing them the majesty that is the largest blister on your skin. when you're inside of it, you see graduation photos, ribbon cutting ceremonies and standing ovations. when you're looking down at it, you see itchy, splotchy, blistery grossness in desperate need of some cortizone. so enjoy yourself until earth gets an antibacterial fumigation, and know that when you rub anti-itch cream on your rash - you're killing someone's dreams.

this dude dean kamen, who invented the segway scooter, is working on a new prosthetic arm that would be able to pronate and supinate like a regular arm. it would also be able to grab a single pea and put it in the person's mouth. then grab your head and crush it like a beer can. the arm weighs the same as a regular arm and has to feel a lot better than a metal hook. even if you go to sleep at night wondering if your new robot-like, darth vader super arm is going to rip off your genitals, it still has to feel better than a hook. dismembered people have had it too crappy for too long. "you cut off your thumb? well, don't worry. we'll sew one of your thumbs up there, and you'll never know the difference." a hook is the best we can do? it would seem that we could just make the hand into a hook. like a regular hand with a permanently hooked index finger. but if you do that, it just always looks like you picked your nose. the middle looks like you can't quite flip someone off. the third looks like you're making fun of the mentally challenged, and the pinkie just makes you look like a jerk. so a hook is better than those ...but barely. we make our disabled people look like third world robots with crude hooks, skinny titanium legs, and metal wheelchairs. why not jazz 'em up a bit? we can't design a robocop suit that universally fits all sizes so paralyzed folk can stay the same height? is it because the guy with the pogo legs is going to qualify for the olympics with no calves? the technologically advanced people are going to surpass us in every way and thus create a division of classes among the biologically pure and the scientifically enhanced? sprinters on spring legs making a mockery of those on human legs, men with kamen arms winning countless arm wrestling competitions the world over, average people lopping off their own limbs to gain an advantage, as we morph into hybrid robot-human cyborgs that blur the line between god and science? ...it sounds pretty cool.