martha ‘sunny’ von bulow recently passed away after a 28 year battle with a coma. that's right 28 years. at first a coma is tragic and serious. you can't talk about it. visitors speak in hushed tones. after 3 or 4 years, they're probably playing cards on her stomach. she was an heiress, so maybe they had to maintain customs with such a regal type. "might we change the bed pan, your highness? Your bed sores are looking magnificent." how did she age? if she had remained youthful, would that be the new hollywood trend. "a coma really takes the years off." i wish she had woken up and immediately become a DJ. that has the makings of a pretty cool sitcom. "what did i miss?" "well, everyone got rid of afros and bell-bottoms, then they wore leg warmers and bracelets, then flannel and corduroy, then chuck taylors and square glasses. now it's furry boots. welcome back." "get me my turn tables." "but you just woke... but how do you even know what... oh, sunny!" i love that her name was sunny and she was in a deep, dark coma for nearly three decades. she also died with secrets. did her husband try to kill her? twice? one - how would she know? coma victims are usually not the most reliable witnesses. "your honor, my next witness has been in a coma since the cold war." "bring her in." and second - how do you fail TWICE to kill someone in a coma? if you can't off someone in a coma, you don't deserve the sixty million she willed to you. and why kill a coma spouse? an angry, bitchy spouse - understandable. but rich coma spouse? she still has money. dress her up and travel the world weekend at bernie's style. "here's your grandmother at the grand canyon. in australia. the great wall of china. and here she is with her turn tables."

i saw a homeless guy with a sign the other day that said "homeless, hungry, ugly" easily my favorite sign ever. the self-deprecating angle is a new angle. no more sympathy. humor is where it is. i have seen humor tried before. i saw a young bum on the median with a sign that said "i'll bet you a dollar you read this sign" so i drove by and said "double or nothing" no dice young bum. you have a lot more failing to do before i will recognize you giving up and help you out. same goes for you fat bum. but "homeless, hungry, ugly" is outstanding. the sad thing is that i was in the middle lane and didn't have any tip money for this jewel. and how do i know it was original? the first time you saw "why lie? i need a beer" it was great. but then you started seeing it all over. how does word spread amongst bums? do drivers pull up and say, "you know, a guy i saw in philly had a sign what said..." or is there a bum website they can log onto at the public library? i hope no one else steals the subtle beauty of homeless, hungry, ugly. but that's what bums do. that's why they're bums. they're unoriginal. you probably think of good signs before you are actually a bum. driving by panhandlers like, "that's all wrong. ya see if i were a bum, i'd have me a honey of a sign" and then you become a bum, and your sign is a honey. and then all these unoriginal jerks steal your brilliance. but what can you do? living well is the best revenge. what's the second best revenge?

"i was so flippin ticked off i could spit. that guldurn hogwash frickin gets my goat" the mouth on these characters. why is this considered acceptable, pg-13 swearing? it's the christian rock of cursing. it's the same thing, except it sucks. "you're an ornery son of a buck, aren't you?" god damn it. it's still swearing. if you want to say, "i'm angry, and i'm going to the store" then say that. adding filler words either colors it up or means that you're an idiot who lacks the mental capacity to finish a sentence without adding some spacer words to give you the much needed time your feeble brain needs to slop out the sentence. that's why we all curse. to convey an emotion with some force, or to buy some time within a sentence. "i'm _____ angry, and i'm ______ going to the ______ store!" any words you insert there give you some bonus time. but if you're adding those words to drive home the point that you're furious, pg-13 words don't work. "he flippin killed my brother!" that just says that you're mad enough to almost curse. it does nothing. either leave out the filler word, or use one with some power - you flipping sack of crud.

it's the end of the year, and people are beginning to make resolutions for next year. gyms are going to be overcrowded for a couple months, and then everything will level back out. i hope your year goes well, but it's doubtful that it will. not that it's your fault. it's difficult to start a year on a good note and keep it going. you make your resolutions: getting in shape, reading more, learning a language, etc. but you also want to send off the current year with a celebration. ring in the new year like the sweet rocking maniac that you are. and what happens? you spend the first day of your productive year on the couch hungover praying for death. "well, this year's already shot. maybe next year" and every four years, because our calendar is so accurate, we add a bonus day arbitrarily at the end of february. an extra day of black history month is pretty sweet, but i think we can all agree it would be better served at the beginning of january. january 0th. a free day to ease into your new, productive life. "january 0th - for a more productive society!"