Seven Deadly Sins

the thing about these sins is that they're deadly. wrath, greed, pride, envy, sloth, gluttony and lust. deadly? wrath - sure, you go around wrathing people, you'll probably end up getting wrathed by someone. gluttony - high blood pressure, heart problems, cholesterol. deadly. lust - "did he die of aids?" no. lust. it's deadly. sloth - doubtful. even if you never wash, and never leave the house, the chances of you getting meningitis or a bacterial infection are slim. pride, envy and greed don't seem that deadly. if you envy someone's watch, try to steal it, and then they wrath you, that's deadly. or if you are a greedy jerk, and someone kills you for your stuff, that's deadly ...sort of. and pride, why does pride goeth before a fall? it's deadly? why? these sins are not directly deadly, but more so bad for you in the grand scheme of things. as in burning in hell for eternity ...as you deserve, you prideful bag of cancer. then why isn't lying a deadly sin? it seems worse than being proud. if you are proud of the fact that you don't lie, enjoy hell. that's one way to look at it, or you can see it as a sweet loophole. lie your way right out of hell. "you're pretty fat, you gluttonous sloth" "glandular. peace" then right up to heaven. eat whatever your want, sleep with whoever you want, steal anything you want, stab anyone who does you wrong, lay around on the couch and be proud of it, and when the minions show up to drag you down to the fiery pits of darkness, just lie on the couch and lie.

Rudolph

can we all just admit that rudolph has gone down in history? "you'll go down in history" it's just more teasing to him ...which he's had enough of from those jerk ass reindeer. not letting him play in any games, calling him names on account of his nose. but then santa asks this outcast to lead them team into battle, and they're all jazzed. they immediately shout out with glee, "you'll go down in history!"? shouldn't there be a verse about how the outing went? about how rudolph was a little shaky at first, that he didn't enjoy being whipped all that much, and then it eventually worked out? before he's even flown one mission they have not only changed from calling him names and excluding him from games but are now letting him lead the team, and they're pumped up and singing about it? if a guy at work that no one likes suddenly gets put in charge, no one sings songs and pats him on the back. they just hate him more. i guess not reindeer. if there's anything to hate about reindeer, it's their lack of conviction. i hope santa whips them extra hard this year.

Hate Crimes

i want to commit hate crimes daily. what did you picture when you read that? me driving around with my buddies in a van, beating up gay dudes and black fellas, punching out red headed dudes with reckless abandon? shame on you. it's pretty unoriginal to hate groups that your upbringing conditioned you to hate (not that i was conditioned to hate anyone. i'm self-taught). "i hate you because i was taught to by the people who raised me" what fun is hating someone if you don't get the chance to get to know them and go, "oh, this person should be doused in acid"? and if you did commit a crime against them, such as throwing acid on them, why wouldn't their hateability gain you some leniency with the judge? why can't you use the fact that someone is appropriately hated as a defense? if you stand behind someone at a baseball game, and they refuse to put down their sign - thus causing you to miss crucial plays - and then you see the sign, and it says 'I MAKE $500K a YEAR AND I'M STILL SITTING IN GENERAL ADMISSION' ...that person should be punched mostly in the face. and if you are charged with battery, why can't hate come to your defense? just because he's the same ethnicity as you? "it's not battery, your honor. i hate this man, and i think everyone can agree with me that hate is the appropriate reaction to this" - then boom. you pull out the sign as exhibit A. and maybe community service and anger management courses turn into a standing ovation and the key to the city.

Statutory Gift

i wish i knew more about the story of mary becoming pregnant with jesus. an angel just showed up in her dreams one night and said, "you're pregnant with the son of god. sleep tight"? she didn't know beforehand? that doesn't seem cool. she was statutory god raped and no one cares? you can't just go jamming babies into women because they're good of heart. maybe she didn't want a baby just then. if god had asked her, like a gentleman, maybe he would have learned that. "i think you're a special gal. may i please put a baby all up in you?" "no thanks, god. that's sweet of you, but i'm a virgin. that's going to make for a painful delivery ...especially in a barn with no drugs. also, i'm dating a pretty rad dude. you know joseph, well that's just going to make for a tense conversation and the most awkward step-fathering role in history. thanks for asking, but i'm sure there's someone else who would rather do it." which i'm sure there was. maybe a couple that was good of heart and low of sperm count. couldn't god have done something nice for them? no. he'd rather molest people in their sleep. maybe that's what a wet dream is - a hand job from god. pervert.