jack kevorkian was re-introduced into the wild without a lot of fanfare. there should have been a welcome back party, maybe a parade, and an assisted suicide table ready and waiting. "the old people have somehow multiplied since you left, sir." why was he not a national hero? that dude was good at suiciding old folks, and they were grateful for it. they paid him to do it. why is that illegal? it's their body. i can understand people not being pro choice when another life form is in the body, but when you're just going solo you should be able to do whatever the hell you want with your body. put tattoos on it, sell it for sex, and pay people to kill it for you. especially if you're in a lot of pain. you can't die on your own terms? even when you're laying in a bed barely breathing through a tube with all your feces in a little sack laying right next to you. bed sores all over your body. it's illegal for someone (for a small fee) to painlessly put an end to all that glory? what if they wheel you out into the middle of a pack of wolves and have you sign a note saying, "i am going to kill these wolves with my bare hands"? when they find the tattered remains of your bed gown they can't prove that you wanted to die. "he thought he could take them". your friends were only helping you cross one more thing off your 'things to do before i die' list. is that what we want as a society? old folks cleverly finding ways to die that look like they didn't do it on purpose? "he thought he could punch the train to a stop." let's grow up and let jack kill them.

how does an expression become an expression? do you just have to say it enough until it catches on? "well, you know, god isn't always naked", "deaf dogs don't bite", "a mime in a jar isn't always a hemophiliac". it clearly doesn't have to make any sense. does it have to be recognized by some governing body? do you just have to be able to say, "it's an expression" after you say it. "a slice off a cut loaf is never missed" is an expression referring to having sex with someone who isn't a virgin. it makes zero sense. it's an expression, but like a lot of expressions, it's completely wrong. who doesn't miss a slice of bread? you get down to your last sandwich and have uneven slices. furious. the weirdest expression i've ever heard, which i didn't believe was an expression until i heard it from several people who didn't know each other is, "he wouldn't piss on me if i were on fire in the middle of the desert." well, whoever he is sounds like a gentleman. why would you want him to pee on you? "oh god! i'm on fire! if only someone would have have the decency to expell all the urine from their bladder upon my person!" why not hope for water? or that they would pour their drink on you? (but why would they have a drink in the desert?) or maybe that they would be kind enough to let you die in peace. pee wouldn't extinguish anything, and the whole act would probably just confuse the hell out of you. "i'm laying their in flames. screaming. out of nowhere, this dude shows up and pees all over me ...and then just walks away. by the time i rolled around and got the flames out, what little skin i had left had the unmistakable aroma of burnt urine mixed in with it. if i ever see that guy again, i'm going to jam my melted nub right into his ass!" - which should be an expression.

james madison was the fourth president of the united states. he was one of the framers of the constitution. he had a sexy wife named dolley. he was 5'4" and 100lbs., and he owned slaves. five-feet four inches tall, one-hundred pounds ...and he owned slaves. those must have been the happiest slaves that ever lived. "did you slop the hogs this morning, boy." "nope. slept in." "why i've got a good mind to take my whip to your backside!" "sure. go nuts. i'm going to go have a nap ...on the top bunk. do your worst." "harumpf!"

a lot of people use the term 'retarded' to describe things. even though it may be offensive to people with challenged children, it is technically and grammatically correct. if you reach for something and your sweater catches on a nail and keeps you from reaching it, the nail retarded you. you were retarded by the nail. the sweater is retarded. not the nail. much in the same way a fanny pack retards you from having friends. you are retarded by the pack. the fanny pack is not retarded. children's brains were retarded from fully developing because of an extra chromosome, so doctors hastily and ineffectually used the term 'retarded', even though it's better served as a descriptive word than a medical term. like dumb before mute. how rude does that sound? "he can't speak?" "he's dumb! he's just dumb!" the term 'retards' is much more offensive. it's like saying the n word, except to a group who lacks the mental tenacity to zing you back or the coordination to give you the beating you deserve. like saying kike at a retirement home. that's retarded....which should be ok to say. especially since no one calls challenged kids retarded anymore. they're developmentally disabled, or mentally challenged, or special. if children aren't retarded anymore, then 'retarded' is fair game as a grammatically correct, inoffensive adjective. if you don't agree, you're a retard.