i guess they haven't designed a time machine in the future. i have an unspoken agreement with myself that when they do, the first thing i do with mine is race back to this time period and fist fight myself. i have not been punched in the face by my self from the future, so i think it's safe to assume that we never invent time machines. that, or they don't give them to just anyone. maybe we invented them but never got proof that they worked. like if you sped ahead in time to the end of the world, the earth might be covered in magma. thus destroying the machine upon landing and convincing the scientists back in the present (which is the future) that the experiment didn't work. all while their colleagues in the future scratch their fingers helplessly against the glass in the slowly melting vessel as they descend into imminent death in a lake of magma. the world must be in some sort of unlivable...or even unlandable state. otherwise the world could never end for people. someone could time machine ahead, see how it ends, return back, get a girl, race back ahead again to just after the end of man, coitus her, procreate, and continue the cycle of life endlessly. unless of course there is nowhere to live - as there probably isn't. which is a shame because i think i could kick the hell out of myself in the future. unless i started taking karate lessons and steroids at some point...then i'm in trouble. (note to self - start taking karate lessons and steroids to pummel current self in future)

why does everyone want to boycott these olympic games? just because china has dealings with corporations in darfur that perpetuate genocide? because they treat their workers like crap? that whole tibet thing? that is nonsense. the olympics are the perfect place to show china just how much they suck. "you think that's funny china? stealing all of our automotive jobs? see you in the pool!" that's why the olympics are great. you can take your problems to a neutral arena and work them out on a balance beam or racing around a track. if we had boycotted the berlin games, jesse owens couldn't have crushed all those uppity germans and shown hitler what a tool he was. this year, as africans dominate the marathons, and tibetans sweep the mountain climbing competition, maybe china will think about how lame it is.

i teach tai chi
i eat chai tea
each tai i cheat
i tai each eat

if it's true that god doesn't enjoy people taking his name in vain, then my family is in for a talking to. but i really don't see how saying, "god, damn it." is in vain. with that sweet comma there, you're just addressing god and kindly asking him to damn something. who better to do it? doesn't god really get a kick out of damning things? doing something in vain is when there is no chance it will help you. like bailing water from a sinking boat or applying pressure to a crocodile bite. if saying "god, damn it" is taking the lord's name in vain, are you saying he can't possibly damn something? that's insulting. falling down an elevator shaft to your imminent demise and saying "god, help me" - that's in vain. but if you're hammering a nail, accidentally hit your thumb and say, "god, damn this hammer." there's a good chance god might hear you and say, "righteo, old buddy. damning hammers is what i do." just remember the comma. and it never hurts to say please. "god, please damn this."