that's right, earthlings. we are all going to die on december 21st, 2012. merlin the wizard predicted it and so did the mayans. i'm inclined to believe the mayans. they seemed to have their act together. any prognostication of impending doom foreseen by religious types always seems ridiculous (don't think we didn't notice the lack of armageddon around 2000a.d., christians. that must be hard to swallow. everyone still alive mocking you and your vengeful god with every breath they take. flaunting their existence right in your face instead of perishing and burning for eternity in the pits of hell...like the good lord intended.) the mayans, although they sacrificed virgins and cut the beating hearts out of people to appease the gods, had a pretty solid calendar. which is something we can't say. 365 days here. 366 days there. who adds an extra day every four years? how sloppy is that? "uh, i think i forget to carry a remainder. can we just throw in a bonus day every four years?" sure. why not. we'll call it a leap year. not the mayans. their calendar was as accurate as their prediction for the end of the world. december 21st, 2012. mark it down. i can only hope jesus is planning his much anticipated resurrection to be on his birthday in 2012. boy is his face going to be red when he shows up and sees this place totally apocalypsed.

it's odd what lengths people will go to for good luck. like carrying around the foot of a cute little dead rabbit. which they've have been doing since 600 b.c.. people stopped believing in mythology and yet still believe in rabbits' feet. supposedly it's a symbol of fertility because rabbit's coitus each other so much. evidently it's working. we're giving the rabbits a run for their money breeding-wise. it's surprising the foot would be good luck. you would think a random animal part popping into the equation would halt any fertility happenings. "is that a foot? no you cannot buy me a drink, you sick bastard. oh, it's good luck? to what? get in my pants?! beat it jerk! go pop out a marmot's eye for good luck or skin a hamster, you creepy weirdo." but no. it's working. the best story of why the foot may be lucky is the one that says if a cross-eyed person kills a rabbit on a full moon, and cuts off their left foot, and carries it in their left pocket it's good luck. that's awesome. but isn't anything a cross-eyed person does that requires hand-eye coordination pretty lucky?

Alexander Fritzl (left) pictured with his brother Amadeus Fritzl has reportedly discovered the cure for cancer and will be awarded the Nobel Prize. Alexander has been working on the cure for the better part of his life and said, "I knew this was possible. I'm so happy" -A.P. 2008

is this a headline you would like to read someday? sure. who wouldn't? the cure for cancer, finally. the only problem is that it would create a whole new set of problems for abortion rights. every now and again a state (utah and wyoming) gets very close to making abortion completely illegal even in cases of incest and rape. but even the pro-est of lifers are against that, so the bill usually fails...narrowly. but when incestual rape produces the cure for cancer it might not be so simple. "hell, you can't abort that kid. fritzl's his own mama's half-brother, and he cured cancer! can't be all bad." so, even though these kids have been raised in a basement and have had pretty horrible lives thus far...i think if you're for abortion, you have to root for them to have unsuccessful lives. i hope you can sleep at night. if you can't, go tire yourself out kicking three-legged puppies, you heartless bastard.

i'm sure by now everyone has heard the story of the austrian guy who locked his daughter in a dungeon-like basement for 24 years and fathered six children with her...thus eliminating himself from contention in the world's best grandpa and world's best dad competition in one fell swoop. he locked her down there when she was eighteen. "i guess i'm an adult now. guess i'll go try my hand at life." "well, it's going to be tough when you're living in the basement, sweetie." and the next twenty-four years spent underground. just know if your twenties or thirties aren't going that well, it could be worse. the weirdest thing about the story is that the mother claimed she knew nothing of the whole ordeal. she thought the girl had run off and joined a cult. even though every couple of years gramps would bring one of the little scamps up to live with them. nothing? that raised no curiosity? "you found another child?! you find more kids than anyone i've ever met." no one's that naive. maybe he's just the best liar that's ever lived. "why do you keep going down to the basement?! what on earth is so important down there? and why do you have so many groceries?" "mind your god damn business. i like food!" in her defense, who sees a fella with some extra groceries and jumps to that conclusion? "what are the extra tomatoes for? are you keeping our only daughter locked in the basement and fathering children with her while i'm not looking? answer me! if you think i'm o.k. with that, you are mistaken, mister!"