do you hang a horseshoe upside down or right-side up? does the shoe hold the good luck in or pour the bad luck out? you have to find the horseshoe for it to be lucky? and it has to be a shoe that was on a horse? that doesn't sound real lucky for the person riding the horse the shoe fell off of. the shoes falls off, the horse chips its feet until it can no longer walk, the horse eventually gives up and lays down stranding the rider who crawls on his stomach for miles before dying of dehydration. years later you find the cursed shoe and what else could it be but good luck? i wonder how many arrow heads had a similar existence. riding home to propose to the love of his life, a man accidentally rides into hostile indian territory and is subsequently shot through the chest with an arrow. probably the unluckiest day of his life. days pass as the animals scavenge the flesh from his body. decades pass as the bones decompose leaving only the arrowhead. and who should come along to find this fateful arrow of death? why it's the luckiest person alive!

no one really knows why a horseshoe is lucky. some say they're made of iron which keeps fairies from entering your home. one - who's afraid of fairies? and two - horseshoes are made of steel these days, so who knows how many fairies might be confidently strutting around your house mocking your horseshoe. some say the seven holes in a horseshoe are lucky. horseshoes these days come pre-made with eight holes so no dice. then there's a little parable about a blacksmith forging some shoes for the devil (which is absurd to put horse shoes on the devil, who as we all know, has cloven hooves). why did the devil need to rely on a simple blacksmith when he has plenty of minions to do his bidding? he certainly has enough fire. anyway, the blacksmith makes the shoes and they burn the devil's feet. now the devil is afraid of horseshoes? the devil, afraid of heat? absurd. and how is that good luck? just because the devil is afraid of your shoe above your door, that doesn't mean bad stuff can't happen. luck. why are they lucky? like all superstitions, it probably started with a dude having some good luck. some guy finds a horseshoe. for no reason decides, "this is good luck". something good inexplicably happens. his friends notice. "it worked for steve. i'm getting one." and despite the amount of rust poisoning, accidental cuts, and overall bad luck they experience, the horseshoe - along with the rabbit's foot - remains good luck.

i don't know if zombies count as afterlife. i don't know if you can become a zombie. your deceased corpse is reanimated. are you a part of it? or are you a lame ghost up above watching someone else control your body like a stolen car? maybe that's why their motor skills are typically so bad. if i could be my own zombie, i'd eat more brains than any zombie there's ever been. why do they get these low-rent, unskilled zombie drivers? i hope my body doesn't get inhabited by a corpse driver after i'm dead. and more so, i hope i don't have to watch it. watch him clumsily steer around in a feeble attempt to get some brains while the towns folk jab at my precious body with pointy pitch forks and shoot at it with shotguns. seeing someone use your body as a zombie would be like watching some inept clown pile into your ex-girlfriend...only much more personal. know this zombie operators: if you drive my body, you'd better eat a lot of brains. if i'm a ghost, i'll help you rampage, but i'm not sure as a ghost i can do much more than bang pots and pans and slam doors.

vampires can't see their own reflection in the mirror. that sucks. how is their appearance always so pristine? are vampires inherently tidy? does their hair comb itself? and what a terrible curse. immortality, so long as you avoid the sun, sticks, and silver stuff, and yet you can never see how kick ass and menacing you look. where does the confidence come from? when was the last time you saw a real cocky blind person? maybe they get their confidence from seeing the look on people's faces before they bite them, or reaching in their mouth and feeling around. "oh, nice. these feel like fangs. sick. perfect for piercing skin and getting me some delicious blood...which inexplicably sounds delicious. heads up jerks!" and then before long, you're a fully confident, functioning vampire. those first few days must be tough though. like vampire puberty. "who am i? what's this new stuff? how do i use it?" if anyone can sympathize with pubescent girls...it's vampires.