why are vampires not a choice for reincarnation? only animals? weak. whales=sweet. bears=sweet. cobras=sick. even though, like a vampire, cobras can't see themselves in the mirror. and snakes aren't looked upon kindly. "destined to roam the earth on their belly" and so forth. like snakes are pussies. say that to a cobras face. the real reason not to select cobra from the reincarnation menu is the inability to see your reflection. a cobra knows it's a cobra, but it can't look in the mirror on a bad day and go, "oh, right. i'm a cobra." dolphins are all gay. whales have things living on them. if you're into that, you may as well come back as earth. and bears get hunted too much. the real cutie and unsung hero of reincarnation who gets no consideration - the skunk. no one picks the skunk or even thinks of skunks unless they're smelling one. you can see yourself in the mirror, and above all you have an almost superhero-like ability to stink up the joint...for miles. even from beyond the grave. "didn't see me casually crossing the road as you reached down for your cell phone, huh? well, enjoy my stink for the next few miles, you prick!" how many times have you wanted to do that? instant revenge, non-violent conflict resolution. a world of skunks is a lot more peaceful. the worst thing that can happen to you is a fogging, or a skunk bite. and why would you ever bite someone if you could fart on them and have it linger on them for days? in closing, skunks are peaceful, revengy and sweet.

is ghost an option in the afterlife? or is it a glitch? and if it is a choice, who chooses ghost? you have the opportunity to explore the great beyond, perhaps learn a little more about the entire dynamic of the universe, life and everything, and you choose to be a ghost? "i'd rather stick around earth and bang some pots and pans." lame. even if you mean well. "i want to watch over my loved ones." neat. but then you have nothing to talk about when they die. "what have you been up to since you died?" "watching you." "oh, well i've been..." "i know what you've been up to. i've been watching you." "oh...right. well, why didn't you help me avoid that car accident?" then awkward silence for eternity. shame on you.

what would you do if they named a hurricane after you? would you root for it? i think you would. you don't want to be associated with a lame hurricane. "hurricane mike limped into town today and pissed all over its feet." especially if you're a boxer. "in this corner - hurricane mike smith!" and everyone's laughing and carrying on as they do. jerks. they always name themselves after just the event. the hurricane. the tornado. not all hurricanes and tornadoes are violent. why not name yourself after a specific one? "in this corner - mike 'hurricane katrina' smith!" no more laughing. only fear on their faces. "in this corner - eric 'the 2004 indian ocean earthquake' jones!" just a thought.

sincerely,
dave 'the 1921 soviet union drought' huntsberger

this is america. you can replace the period after that sentence with an exclamation point if you'd like. this is america, and so is canada. so is mexico, and costa rica, and brazil and argentina. the americas. north central and south. and yet we are the only ones who call ourselves americans. the americas - all named after some stupid italian who thought he'd discovered them 100 years after columbus thought he'd discovered them. we are the united states of america! boom. exclamation. of is the key word in our name. of america. if you're friends of steve, you're not steve.