earth is blowing up, and you are sent to another planet where the inhabitants are called 'elrods'. elrods can be shot and killed with marshmallows. their top speed is a brisk walk. they can't jump over a phone book, and falling into even the shallowest of ditches is catastrophic. but you are still you. you block marshmallows with ease, jump over ditches and phone books effortlessly, and run faster than their fastest vehicle...which is a golf cart. would you allow them to call you 'superelrod'? i doubt it. i doubt you'd want to ever help them. you'd have such a poor opinion of them after constantly saving them from the likes of marshmallows and shallow ditches. "really?! you fell in a ditch again?! this is pathetic." i doubt you'd show up in tights and carry on like a big deal. "it's superelrod! able to leap phone books, block a speeding marshmallow, and run faster than a golf cart!" would you show off? "look how marshmallows bounce off of me!" can't blame you for doing that. probably feels better than getting cut from the basketball team back on earth. now, go get some tights.

ptrety wlid taht you can raed tihs, rgiht? tehy say taht if the frsit and lsat ltertes are in the rgiht pacle, and the nmuber of ltetres are aslo crorcet, tehn inpxlaiclbey flkos are albe to raed it. i'm not bniuyg it tohugh. who's wtih me?

people are quick to bring up my negativity, but they seem to always forget my unwavering pessimism. i wish the world would come to an end - a pretty negative thought. but i'm pessimistic that will happen anytime soon ...despite our best efforts. instead, you'll have to live through countless atrocities and watch everyone close to you die one at a time. that seems much more depressing. a giant tidal wave sweeping over everyone all at once doesn't sound so bad compared to that, does it? i'd go summon a meteor, but i'm not that ambitious.

easter celebrates the resurrection of jesus of nazareth three days after his death. and what better way to celebrate than with an equally unbelievable story of a giant rabbit that roams around dropping decorative eggs in strategic locations around your yard. why a bunny? no one knows. kids dig it. someone coming back from the dead seems pretty unbelievable...but not compared to a giant, egg-hiding bunny that gives you chocolate and peeps. "three days after one of the most savage beatings in human history, your lord came back to life...now have some chocolate - compliments of a rabbit." "wait, he came back to life? i thought when you died, that you couldn't...ooh, peeps. thanks, giant rabbit!" people are less likely to question things when there are chocolate and presents around. "and to celebrate the birth of our lord, whose mother was a virgin, a great big fat guy flies around the world in a sleigh, powered by flying reindeer. which, as you know, have no wings. he slides down the chimney and leaves toys under your tree...if you've been good." "wait, i thought for a woman to get pregnant, a man had to...a slingshot!? thanks, giant fat guy!" the really amazing part is that later, when you tell them the rabbit and fat guy aren't real, they believe anything you say ever again.