bullying is huge problem in schools ...again. and no longer is it the golden age of a father sitting his son down and giving him the old, "you know how you handle a bully, son? you punch him right in the nose!" and the kid heads out into a certain beating of a lifetime - but learns an important lesson about standing up for himself. i suppose girls have some version of this as well, but i'm not all that familiar with the intricate details. but for boys, that's how it has gone for years. "punch 'em in the nose". i was stopped on the sidewalk recently by a non-profit group raising money for bully prevention purposes. which is stupid. raising funds to send a motivational speaker to a school to share with kids a moving story about being bullied is nonsense. when that person gets to their moving closer about sticks and stones and such - the kids are usually choking back giggles, and learning nothing about bullying. other than sometimes it is funny. raising money to pay teachers a little more would be a better place to start. if they have under 40 kids in the class, it might make it easier for them to keep an eye on the husky kid getting his ear flicked in the back of the classroom. and how can we raise money to counter childhood obesity and also bullying? don't they cancel each other out a bit? and why do we only show the tragic side of bullying on tv? if we showed more stories where the victim ate some vegetables, did some pushups, and then pummeled the crap out of the bully - kids would catch on.

Did you know that if you get caught urinating in public and it's near a school, you can be charged with a sex crime? That seems harsh. Some people need the sound of running water to help them go, but I doubt there's anyone who actually needs to hear the sound of childish merriment in order to go. Maybe peeing near children is a way pedos mark their territory. Or maybe it was originally a way they could look at kids and touch themselves, then when the cops show up, "what?! I'm just taking a leak!" "Oh, excuse me. Off you go." Until that happened so frequently they realized - "these pedophiles are making a mockery of our cop skills! Pissing all over, gettin' their kicks. I've had it! We should pass a law that says if they do that - they get hung! ...or tarred and feathered!" And that was too harsh, so they settled for sex crime charges. And if you've been the unfortunate drunkard who decided to avoid driving drunk and instead walk home, then stopped to pee next to a tree, only to be arrested at 3am (when there are no kids around) and charged with public urination AND sexual misconduct -- I hope you never see my neighborhood. It is a mockery of the crime you've been found guilty of. There are three schools within three blocks, and pockets of those blocks so ripe with urine stench you'd swear people were instructed to relieve themselves there all day everyday. And has one dude ever had to knock on my door and say he is a convicted sex offender? No. Not once. The odds of that many kids walking around, and that much urine being expelled, and not one kid ever seeing some bum's genitalia flopping around -- astronomical.

for most of my life, there have been commercials - or really cries for help with a phone number at the bottom - about saving starving children. unicef generally has the market cornered on this. they've been seeking help for these horribly malnourished children for over twenty years. and it seems that they are making no headway. zero. in fact, they've cycled through a host of celebrities hoping to find the one who might have just that right amount of charm, appeal, and sincerity to finally get people to get their wallets out and make a difference. and it doesn't seem to be working. guy with white beard - no luck. tiny yothers - no luck. now they're on to alyssa milano, their biggest star yet. her delivery - heartfelt, sincere, emotional. the results? to be determined, but i'd be willing to bet there will be a new celebrity involved in the next batch of commercials. twenty years of these commercials, and they're still creating more starving children? what is going on over there? why are there still children being created in this manner? is it all rape? it can't be. at some point, wouldn't it stop? "look guys, we're marching some of our finest actors out here to try and help you. they tear up. no joking. they actually tear up! and behind them we show videos of you and your children. you know with the flies buzzing around and everything, empty wooden bowls, the whole bit. and listen, i think they're starting to wonder why after twenty years of this that you guys are still producing more children. perhaps if we can show a video where some progress has been made, maybe that would show that this money is facilitating something worthwhile. like if you were playing kickball or something 'hi, i'm matomdi, you may remember me from this video. get a load of all those flies on me. yikes. anyway, because of generous donations from people just like you, i now speak english, go to school, and can kick the crap out of a kickball' right? and then you blast one into the sky. we freeze on the ball. then alyssa walks out, does some flexing, maybe crushes a beer can on her head? i don't know. i'm just spit-balling. anyway, think about it."

if you make a habit out of saying "they've done studies" in order to sound more intelligent and back up whatever point you're trying to convey, more often than not - the people you are talking to just think you're an idiot. which you probably are. which studies? make up a name if you have to "oh yeah, the hammerstein mcgregor sandwich study. you've never heard of it? well, that's why i keep a padlock on my lunchbox. yep, they did a study. people love to steal sandwiches. surprised you didn't know that. pretty sure it was back in the 60's." and those dolts who have the patience to converse with an imbecile such as yourself will be sufficiently fooled. "oh ...right, right, right. macgregor hammersmith you mean? it think that's what it was called. yeah, i've heard of that. that's a good idea with that padlock" the strange thing is that they do perform studies. all the time. and chances are, there may just be one close enough to support whatever ridiculous claim you're trying to make. "mice love wearing backpacks. they've done studies!" they should really do a study on how people are more inclined to believe you if you mention a study has been done - or better yet - multiple studies. they weren't satisfied with just that one study with beetles and cologne. now they have done several and wouldn't you know it, beetles wearing cologne get tons of ass. i think a writer would end this sort of stupid diatribe with 'trust me, they've done studies' ...then a kickass wink.